YOUR REAL FAMILY

When you were a child you didn't say, "Thank you, Mommy" every time your mom did something nice for you. But you smiled at her. You hugged her. You acted in a way that showed your thankfulness.

Back then, your mom was your hero. Both of your parents were. And even though you got really mad at your siblings now and then, you still loved them and wanted to play with them a minute after the argument ended.

But now the awareness you've developed over the past few years has made it a little more difficult to just forgive and forget. You recognize the ways your parents hurt you. You see how they hurt each other. You notice that your dad doesn't come home as much as you think he should. Maybe he even left your mom and married someone else. You've noticed that the grandmother you used to think was the most loving person ever is actually really critical of your mom. You see your family as they really are.

As this awareness grows, you have a choice to make. One option is to distance yourself from your family. They used to be perfect in your eyes. Now they're not. You can decide that, since they're not perfect, they have nothing to offer you and you don't want them in your life anymore. If you think that sounds extreme, you should know that we talk to teenagers every day who have decided to do just that--get away from their families. Sometimes it's a physical move to another home, like the home of their other parent. Sometimes it's an emotional move--they stop talking, stop relating, stop engaging.

Another option--the better option--is to offer grace and gratitude. Your dad might have left your mom. She might still be angry at him. But he didn't leave because of you. Even if he's not a perfect dad, you can still have a relationship with him. You can enjoy and even appreciate what he does offer.

Maybe you've realized your mom is a perfectionist and can be really critical of you. That doesn't mean you can't still have a meaningful relationship with her. Tell her--kindly--when she hurts your feelings. Tell her you need her encouragement and support. Do your part to stay connected and grateful.

Think about the times you've messed up or hurt your parents or a sibling. What you wanted most in those moments was grace. You want to be accepted and loved in spite of your weaknesses. You can do the same for your family.

We know there are plenty of families where it can be hard to find a reason to be grateful for anything. We have a friend named Lindsey whose father has a severe anger problem. Most of the time things are great between the two of them. They have dinners together, go to plays, and have a lot of fun. But every so often something sets off Lindsey's dad and he explodes. He yells at her and says horrible things to her, things that are hard to forgive, much less forget.

Lindsey has several different options with her dad. She can naively ignore this problem--never talk about how it affects her and pretend it doesn't exist. But as you know, Lindsey's feelings will just come out somewhere else.

Lindsey could also walk away from her dad. She could decide that his anger is too much and cut off her relationship with him entirely. But if Lindsey did that she would miss out on the times when her relationship with her dad is really good.

Fortunately, there is another way. Lindsey can face the reality of her relationship with her father. She can start to respond differently. She may never teach him to handle his anger in an appropriate way, but she can make sure he doesn't handle it inappropriately around her. When he starts to yell at her on the phone, Lindsey can say something like, "Dad, I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. You'll just say things that will make both of us feel worse later. Why don't you call me back when you're not so angry?" Even if he calls back repeatedly, Lindsey doesn't have to answer the phone.

Maybe the parent you have a hard time with lives with you. In that case, counseling can be a great idea. Talk to your school counselor, or ask your parents to take you to a counselor outside of school. If it feels scary to tell your mom or dad that you want counseling because of your relationship with them, the counselor can help you handle that. Just tell your parents you have some things going on in your life that you'd like some help with. A good counselor can take it from there.

If counseling isn't an option, then try talking to your parents. We know this can be really hard. But if you find a time when both of you are feeling calm and unemotional, tell your mom and dad what you're struggling with. Let them know that you're hurt by what they're doing, and ask if you might be contributing to the problem in some way. Stay calm, listen, and be honest about how you feel. This kind of conversation can be a great start in healing a damaged relationship.

We want you to offer grace and truth to the people in your life, but there are some people who are too sick to receive it. And those people are unsafe for you to be around. If you are being abused by a family member, the first thing to do is find a way to keep yourself safe. Start by telling an adult what is happening. Keep telling people like teachers, school counselors, and youth directors until someone helps you. Doing this isn't betraying your family. It isn't ungrateful or disrespectful. It's the best way to stop the abuse. No one needs to stay in a situation where they are being hurt. If it's happening to you, there is help and hope out there. Just keep talking to trusted adults until you discover the one who will help you.

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Taken from "Growing Up Without Getting Lost" by Melissa Trevathan and Sissy Goff, copyright 2008 Youth Specialties/Zondervan. Used by permission. Order the book here:
http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=1840